The Worst (You get 0 stars)

Believe me, I know that bad movies are subjective and there are a ton of movies that could happily live on this page. Sometimes people don’t like a movie because they were not in the right frame of mind in their lives or they were not in the mood for that type of movie. This list doesn’t necessarily include those, because they are arguable (and Chrissi sort of liked one of the ones below, so I am already treading on controversy).

For me the criteria is simple:
1) If the movie ruined a perfectly good day> I mean RUINED it, then it will appear here, and…
2) If it is hard to flush out of my brain after non-enjoyment, it will also appear here

For the record, if you ever saw the first movie on my list, you wouldn’t even argue with me about any others there. It set the bar by which all that is unholy, slimy, degenerative and corrupt will ever be measured. Unfortunately, my compadres have told me that they forgot most of the details of the movie. I am not that lucky, and that is why I not only reminded them of a few choice scenes that have left their indullable prints in my head, but I felt that I needed to distribute a little pain to them and to get their obviously healthy powers of repression working full-tilt. These movies appear here, mainly in that they burned something terrible into my mind, that I did not expect or desire…

Breakfast of Aliens

I saw this bit of sludge at a sci-fi Marathon. It was about some loser who accidentally ate an alien and it turned him into a great comedian. But he killed people in gruesome ways and was not funny. First of all, if you are going to write a movie that turns someone into a successful comedian, you are expected to deliver on the jokes, but this was so far from funny. In fact, I almost threw-up when I watched it because of its content. It was the most vile and wretched thing I ever have seen.

Luckily my friends Tom and Dave were there and Tom had two remarks that brought my sanity back. The first was when a guy pulled off to the side of the road and there was a homeless person there and Tom blurted out, “Look, there’s the director now.”

The second was when it go to the breaking point, Tom decided to stand up and applaud the movie very slowly and sarcastically. For me, this delivered the knockout punch to the film and for me, well, I was glad to have my mind taken off the movie. I believe that this movie was shelved because I have not seen hide-nor-hair of it.

Requiem for a Dream

My wife and I tried out the Patriot Cinemas for $1.50 per movie. Well, my first experience was a bad one. It is a movie that tackles addiction in many forms (drugs, dieting, the need to be famous) and uses some neat conventions like quick camera techniques symbolizing people getting high. After the first 3 times, it gets a little old and seems like an attempt to fill film space with old material, and afte the 27th time, you start to get that itchy feeling (maybe this was the intent, but it didn’t sit well in the intended manner). The music also was used to be a theme for the characters, but it was grating and really got under my skin (perhaps I notice this more than others because of my musical interests). This movie was so close to being brilliant, but unfortunately like many nightmares, it goes on a little longer than your tolerance can handle and I ended up checking out of it with about 15 minutes left).

Idle Hands

From what I was able to surmise, this movie stole some ideas from a bunch of different places. The first and most obvious is An American Werewolf in London (where the people who get killed hang around and you get to see them rot as the movie progresses), and another one where a severed arm is re-attached and wreaks havoc (I can’t remember, but it was an equally bad movie and utterly forgettable). I haven’t even watched the whole thing at one sitting, but I have seen enough of the movie to make the final judgment that it is Uber-dumb.



Amateur

Upon further consideration, I am wondering whether a movie like this even belongs here. What I mean is that it barely even cracked the box office and was forgotten (no pun intended) immediately, rendering its powerless. Nevertheless, I still remember it, so here goes. This was a free ticket won on WBCN. The movie was trying to be many things at once, which usually will spell disaster. It was very funny at times, but the comedy never tied in the with rest of the story and it was serious at times, but many of the plot lines just laid there and pretended to be dead. I won’t even bother describing any more, because it is not worth the ASCII text.

Top Dog

This is a Chuck Norris movie, and the second ticket that we won through WBCN. Needless to say it was the last time I tried to get free tickets on the contest line. It is an action movie that stars Chuck opposite a German Shepard, and it was just odd. I think somewhere in the middle of making this movie, the director (Chuck’s brother), decided to tone it down to make it appeal to kids, so you have this partial violent, partial slapstick, and partial “look at the doggy doing neat things”, which added up to a disjointed and plot-less movie. The most memorable thing is when Chuck got mad at the dog (numerous times) and censored himself (kind of like a parent would with a child), and ended up being this tough guy who kept yelling “Darn Dog!” Again, I am not sure why I stayed, but I have yet to walk out on a movie and after Breakfast (above), I can tolerate anything.

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